So like I broke up with Mandy bc my flashbacks happen every time we are intimate and my trauma shit is getting worse and I really just can’t handle a relationship bc I need to start healing and everyone hates me and I’m quitting my job do focus on school and therapy
Everything is so scary but I want to re invent myself as an empowers woman
"Everything is going to be okay"
That’s absolute bullshit and I’m tired of fucking idiots thinking that will help me. Everything is not going to be okay. Maybe some of the bullshit I’m dealing with now will one day be okay, but there will always be more shit to deal with. I’m so fucking hopeless and I’m over this “it gets better” shit bc it fucking doesn’t. I have friends many years older than me, and their lives are just as bad if not worse, moved out of their house, married, ect. The same shit is there when you move into your first apartment. It doesn’t get better and I’m not going to use that as a fucking soother. Anyways, there is my positivity for the day.
Today my poem was workshopped in poetry class and everyone was amazed and wrote notes on their copy then handed it back to me and the things they wrote were incredible and I’m blushing and feel really good about myself and it’s rare to feel this way but I do and I dig it. Someone said that if I was pickier, my poetry would be timeless and my name would be known forever. I personally don’t believe that for a second, but honestly it was really nice to hear that, and see that someone thinks that.
Most say things about my age and how advanced I am for my age but that scares me bc what if I don’t ever get better from here, bc my poetry when I’m forty, would be stupid if I still wrote about being raped or my shitty breakups. I honestly don’t think I write about anything else, at least not well, and it’ll get old really quickly if it hasn’t already. I’m choosing to take these compliments and actually address them and accept them. Instead of like being like “that’s not true” or “they are just trying to be nice” I’m like “they think that about me and that’s rad” and just let it boost my ego bc everyone needs an ego boost.
I am so sad
I think I’m In a sticky situation
Wowow 2013 reflection
I remember I started 2013 by cutting myself, like at 1:00am. And I was dating jasmine, and I was so depressed. God, I started it pretty shitty and it just continued. Like I date 9 people in 2013. Fact. Not even fiction. I think it’s kind of obvious the most impactful thing of ‘13 was getting kidnapped and raped, but I am trying to find something else. Something GOOD. Like maybe starting mount hood, or getting a job. Or starting Portland DBT. I mean I haven’t cut in a month and a half, and I am happier, and cope better, I can do this. I took the shittiest thing to ever happen to me, and turned it the fuck around.
I also got rejected from Idyllwild this last year. That fucking sucked. It also through my head into a whirl spin. God, I was so devastated. I did everything I could not to kill myself that day. Oh, man, the amount of suicide attempts this last year. Shit. But I didn’t have to go to the psych ward! I mean yeah did I stop my heart for half a minute? Maybe, but I’m alive. Bc guess what? I CAN FUCKING DO THIS. I’m gonna graduate high school with an associate degree, move out, and rock the town. Oh god I think I’m going to throw up. I’m not going to be able to do this, I’m lying to myself. Holy shit, holy shit.
He’ll get out of jail this year…